A friend contacted me this week. Their child’s much-loved pet had died and it was the first time their family had experienced death.
It got me thinking about how difficult it can be to know what to say or do when a child is grieving particularly when you’re navigating your own grief at the same time.
There is no perfect way to do it but here are a few things that may help:
Use clear, honest language.
Say that their pet has died rather than “gone to sleep” or “gone away”. Euphemisms can be confusing for children.
Let them ask questions.
Children may ask the same question several times or seem completely fine one minute and upset the next.
Don't minimise their loss.
“It was only a dog/cat/rabbit” can unintentionally make a child feel that their sadness isn't important. To them, this was a member of their family.
Give them choices.
They might like to draw a picture, write a letter, choose a favourite photo, make a memory box or be involved in saying goodbye.
Create a ritual.
A ritual can give children something tangible to help them understand what has happened. Lighting a candle, planting something or sharing favourite memories can be incredibly meaningful.
Talk about the memories.
Tell stories. Look at photographs. Talk about the funny things their pet did and the things they will miss.
Let them see that grief is normal.
It's okay for children to see adults cry. You don't have to hide your own sadness. You can simply explain, “I'm crying because I loved them and I miss them.”
For some children, this may be their first encounter with death and the way we support them through it can help shape how they understand loss for years to come.
Because grief isn't just something adults experience. If we love, we grieve. And that includes the very young.
